i'm at a point in my life where i really, really, really am at a standstill, and i have no fucking idea what's going on, or what i'm going to do, or how i'm gunna' get there. i have never ever felt so lost, without a purpose, and when i see people i haven't seen in a while, i literally have nothing to talk about, unlike back in high school when i would talk about all of the music groups i was in, my trumpet playing, etc.
   like, honestly, why can't i catch a damn breath for once!
  first it was: the events of december 21st, 2010.
  then: oh yay! things are looking up! i got into both music programs i auditioned for with flying colors and ccsu offered me a music scholarship!
 then it was: oh.. wcsu and ccsu said my math grades were too low to be accepted full time, but ccsu said i could commute part time in the fall and if i got a good gpa, i'd be accepted full time in the spring. at this rate, i'll finish drivers' ed by september, and i'll get my license so i can commute! and then i can join ccsu's marching band, because marching band is my life!
 then: oh shit, i just got a fucking debilating sickness and i've never been so fucking sick in my entire life! i can't finish drivers' ed now, so i can't get my license on time, so i can't get to school. hopefully i'll be better soon..
then: wait, maybe i can take the city bus to ccsu! yay!
then: according to ct transit.com it would take over three hours to get to ccsu, that is 30 minutes away. and i'm still sick as a dog and marching band starts in 3 days and class registration is in 5.. so i emailed the music department and told them i couldn't do marching band, which broke my heart. 5 days later i still felt like shit, couldn't make it to class registration, and emailed ccsu and told them i couldn't fucking go to college this semester.
 then, months later, after feeling absolutley 'blank' in character: yaya! it's december, i'm turning 18, and i'm finished with drivers' ed and i can get my license and go to ccsu!
then: oh, i failed my drivers test..  and realistically my family can't afford to put me through college right now, although they want me to go.
now:  i really have no idea. i feel like 'blank'. i used to have so much to talk about, be involved in so many things, but now..now there's fucking nothing.
i want to be a middle school band teacher more than anything. ANYTHING. i've fought through all types of road blocks and shit, and i really, really need this. i want this. but i don't know how i'm going to get to my goal. the path is so unclear, and it's scary.

 

ugh.

well, i went sledding today at mixville with erica, amanda, lauren, sara, and sara's little sister.
my mom called me today and told me to be careful, because apparently some kid cracked their head open there yesterday.
 it was all fun, me and amanda went on the sled together and screamed like 2 year olds, while actual 2 year olds were sledding like it was no big thrill.
 we decided we had enough for the day, and decided to all go on one more ride down the hill.
 well, lauren and sara's little sister went on one of those inflatable pool toy floats, and crashed right into this pricker bush. lauren's side was all scraped up and she could hardly move and there was something sticking out of her back. so when we got back to erica's, lauren decided she needed to go to the ER. well, sara got very overwhelmed, and started gagging..which led to her running upstairs and throwing up, which caused me to sit outside crying and short circuiting.
 erica decided that we all would take lauren to midstate.
 well,
1) i'm absolutley terrified of hospitals.
2) midstate ER is where i was taken last year..and i really don't wanna be reminded of that very bad experience.

so, i decided to stay behind, and i'm sitting in lauren's room, waiting for all of them to return. i feel like a bitch. i just really can't go to hospitals..people throw up in hospitals..disease is in hospitals..diseases i could catch and could in turn make me throw up, which could be seen or caught by my parents or brother and make them throw up, which can make me have another panic attack..
 it's endless, really.
 so yeah. my stomach hurts, and i'm so exshausted from being so overwhelmed.
 i really hope lauren is okay though.
 i do care about other people, just when sickness or anything to do with sickness gets in the way, i hate to say it, but i care more about myself in those situations.. and i can't even help it.

the alignment on blogger is annoying.

i just woke up.

my mom informed me with the rather predictable news that there's a 50 % chance of a huge snowstorm on sunday, which is my 18th birthday. the weather channel says it's either gunna'be a hit or miss.

i was planning on having three friends over, but if it blizzards, i don't think they'll be willing to

drive here. it has blizzards two years in a row on my birthday. in 2008 it was a snowday, and i

was trapped inside by myself all day, until i walked to my friend jason's house. last year it was

a saturday, and i was planning on having like, ten people over. my dad was also overseas

somewhere and was scheduled to  come home that night. but of course, just my luck, it

snowstormed. i decided that no one or their parents would wanna' drive them. so, i 

rescheduled it to the week later. i was also really upset that my dad's

flight got delayed, and there was a possibility that he wasn't gunna make it home in time for 

my birthday. meanwhile, jason's annual hannukah party was going on, a party i originally said i couldn't go to because of my own party. but, i ended up going, and i'm glad i did, it was really

fun. my dad also made it home that night.

so, i really hope the weather just holds out, i would really like to see my friends, on my

birthday.  i really wonder what i'm getting for my birthday from my parents. since my birthday

is 6 days away from christmas, i either usually get the biggest present for my birthday or for 

one of my christmas presents. i really really want an iphone 3g, considering my ipod touch

broke in july and i've been lost without it, and my two year old pantech matrix is really startin' to end it's cycle. but, considering all the financial we have, i really don't think i'll be getting an

iphone. but, that's understandable. but, i think, i hope i'll get an ipod. my parents know how

much i need one. but i don't know, i didn't ask for anything this year, for christmas or my

birthday. for all they've done for my brother and i, i really don't think it's my place to ask them

for anything,.

hm, we'll see.

love,

leah.

this time last year, i was absolutley stressed about the future. i had the applications to university of southern maine, CCSU, WCSU, and keene on my desk. but, i had yet to fill them out. i was confused, overwhelmed, and i have a bad habit of putting things that stress me out to the back of my mind, hoping they’ll eventually dissapear. i was also sure that it was probably too late to apply anyways, and that stressed me out even more.

this time last year, i was getting extremely agitated with music theory class. something i thought i’d excel in, but was having a very difficult time in. i was perplexed as to why i was one of the lowest grades in the class, when i was the most musically involved student in the entire school. in my high school, you needed 21 credits to graduate. i had 39 credits by the end of high school. 18 of them being music related. it didn’t help that my classmates frequently made jokes, the running joke of the class being leah’s not gunna get into college, and one classmate in particular told me every single day that i should ’ go lay in the middle of the road and get hit by a car.’

this time last year, my grades were slipping tremendously. the reality that marching band, the best experience i’ve ever had in my life, was over, killed me.  but, unlike the previous years, where i would sit and cry for a day and then i’d be fine, i didn’t cry at all. instead, i had blank emotions.

this time last year, i’d reach my absolute lowest point, the end, my breaking point, 5 days from now.

well.

well, i have a tumblr. i made it late june-ish, and have been on it ever since. when i first started out, i would only blog things i wrote, like ya' know, a diary/journal kinda' thing. but then, i came to realize that tumblr is more of a..picture/photograph sharing site. so, i started to blog more photos, until i hardly ever blogged about my life at all.
 i also started to get the impression that my tumblr followers didn't really like my long rants about my life happenings, and would therefore, unfollow me.
 so, i decided to go forth and get a blogspot. i'll of course, still keep my tumblr, and will occasionally write about my life on there, but at least here i can write as much and as often as i want and no one will bitch. well, on the other hand, i doubt anyone will read this.
 eh, it's more of a self-therapy thing for me anyways, so it doesn't really matter.
 expect alot of rants that lead into random topics, an annoyingly obsessive use of commas and no capital letters. because, capital letters bother me. 
love, leah.