i'm at a point in my life where i really, really, really am at a standstill, and i have no fucking idea what's going on, or what i'm going to do, or how i'm gunna' get there. i have never ever felt so lost, without a purpose, and when i see people i haven't seen in a while, i literally have nothing to talk about, unlike back in high school when i would talk about all of the music groups i was in, my trumpet playing, etc.
   like, honestly, why can't i catch a damn breath for once!
  first it was: the events of december 21st, 2010.
  then: oh yay! things are looking up! i got into both music programs i auditioned for with flying colors and ccsu offered me a music scholarship!
 then it was: oh.. wcsu and ccsu said my math grades were too low to be accepted full time, but ccsu said i could commute part time in the fall and if i got a good gpa, i'd be accepted full time in the spring. at this rate, i'll finish drivers' ed by september, and i'll get my license so i can commute! and then i can join ccsu's marching band, because marching band is my life!
 then: oh shit, i just got a fucking debilating sickness and i've never been so fucking sick in my entire life! i can't finish drivers' ed now, so i can't get my license on time, so i can't get to school. hopefully i'll be better soon..
then: wait, maybe i can take the city bus to ccsu! yay!
then: according to ct transit.com it would take over three hours to get to ccsu, that is 30 minutes away. and i'm still sick as a dog and marching band starts in 3 days and class registration is in 5.. so i emailed the music department and told them i couldn't do marching band, which broke my heart. 5 days later i still felt like shit, couldn't make it to class registration, and emailed ccsu and told them i couldn't fucking go to college this semester.
 then, months later, after feeling absolutley 'blank' in character: yaya! it's december, i'm turning 18, and i'm finished with drivers' ed and i can get my license and go to ccsu!
then: oh, i failed my drivers test..  and realistically my family can't afford to put me through college right now, although they want me to go.
now:  i really have no idea. i feel like 'blank'. i used to have so much to talk about, be involved in so many things, but now..now there's fucking nothing.
i want to be a middle school band teacher more than anything. ANYTHING. i've fought through all types of road blocks and shit, and i really, really need this. i want this. but i don't know how i'm going to get to my goal. the path is so unclear, and it's scary.